THE NBA ON NBC

"Bite me! Bite me! YESSS! Don't stop! PLEASE? PLEASE, PATRICK? I'll be your Mike Tyson tranny slut! Be my Evander for just a minute, sweetie. C'mon, big boy! Gimme a taste! YESSS! YESSS! Oh, Evander, the belt is yours! Take me! Beat me like you did in Vegas, champ! Role reversal? YESSS! Iron Mike! Iron Mike! Dinner is served! Make me bleed! You're the champ! OUUUUUCH!!!

Foul committed by Ewing, that's his third. So Patrick Ewing, who spent three weeks on the physically-unable-to-perform list, has really boned up for the Knicks today. He has eight bites. The NBA on NBC is brought to you by Victoria's Secret, featuring their full line of lingerie for gentlemen and ladies -- 'Your secret's safe with Victoria.' And by Tucks Medicated Pads -- 'They're fun to use, even when you don't have hemorrhoids.'

Jordan, from downtown...A SPECTACULAR MOVE!!! Michael Jordan gets his own offensive rebound, peels off his Hanes underwear, puts mustard on his Ball Park frankfurter and lays it in. Speaking of offensive, I had a chance to visit with the NBA leader in ejaculations. Dennis Rodman was as nasty as only he could be in his frilly pink undies, sheer red hosiery, pretty purple lipstick, and shiny silver moonboots. He told me that his last game will be played in the nude, which will be brought to you LIVE!!! on NBC. C'mon, Denny boy! Retire already, so I can caress the dimples of your muscular, black ass. Remember the time when we rubbed Jergens all over ourselves and had hard, rough sex on an empty Madison Square Garden parquet? YESSS! YESSS! You absolutely adored the music of Pearl Jam, and we staged our very own Broadway production of 'Jeremy.' Your form-fitting, sequined self was cast in the lead role, and I was the recess lady. Clearly I remember picking on you, boy. You seemed a harmless little fuck. But I unleashed a lion, you smashed your teeth and bit both of my breasts. How could I forget? Rodman is hit with a surprise ejaculation, as the roars increase from the partisan Knick crowd. Timeout, Chicago Bulls. You are watching the NBA on NBC.

Let's join Dick Enberg from our NBC studios in New York. Dick? Dick? Suck my dick! Stop pretending that I don't exist, Dickie Poo! After all, it was you who introduced me to the comforts of women's undergarments during my days as an unpaid intern on 'Sports Challenge.' After work, we'd head over to the dungeons of west Hollywood to fulfill our TV-domineering fantasies. I'll always treasure what you whispered in my ear, as Pepe fitted my ankles in gold-plated braces and my dick (you called it Sally!) in an extremely restrictive clamp: 'As we quench the thirst of our masochistic sexual desires, we are left to contemplate if it was humanly possible to indulge in one last swallow of semen. For as mere mortals, we tend to gravitate toward that which is not moralistic, but what makes us feel fucking good. And as Sally sneaks through an all-too-familiar alley, we must remind ourselves that there are many more bungholes left for her to traverse. For five whips, who was the MVP of the 1970 NBA finals?' OOH MY!!!

This telecast is presented by authority of the NBA and is intended for the private use of our audience. Any rebroadcast or retransmission without the expressed written consent of the New York Knicks and the National Bitemark Association is prohibited. The Bulls have whipped the Knicks. This is Marv Albert saying, So long from New York. You've been watching the NBA on NBC. Stay tuned for 'Heidi' on most of these NBC stations."