Welcome to the first edition of "Rate-A-Record." Yeah, I know Dick Clark'd had this feature on "American Bandstand," but since he's a friend, Dick said it was OK to borrow the title for this column. Let's meet our first contestant. Originally from Rhode Island, he possesses the world's-largest collection of Bjork merchandise. Besides collecting, his other hobbies are competitive solitaire, light-contact kickboxing, and writing fake Judas Priest songs. Please give a nice round of applause for Brad CZR. Now Brad, the rules are fairly simple. After each song is played, give us a critique of what you heard. Ready? The first selection is "Heartbeat" by Epic recording artist Don Johnson.
Brad on "Heartbeat": "The thing I noticed initially were the overproduced backing tracks -- so slick, they make Debbie Gibson sound like Teengenerate. Vocals were nearly unbearable (imagine a post-rock Richard Marx singing Frank Sinatra, and you're almost there), with only harp strings providing minimal relief. The lyrics were of the pussywhipped, heart-on-your-sleeve, poodle-haired, no-offensive-terms, contemporary-music, ass-smooching variety ('Heartbeat/I'm looking for a heartbeat' -- repeat 443 times or until your larynx ceases operation). Give Johnson half-credit for being honest with his words, because this had absolutely no pulse. Perhaps what Don should be looking for instead is a new nose and mouth. He looks utterly ridiculous with that hole in the middle of his face."
A five-minute break is requested by Brad, and that gives us time to cue up the next track. "Respect Yourself" from Motown sensation Bruce Willis.
Brad on "Respect Yourself": "Now, this was more like it! Man, Bruce Willis?!? I used to roll dice with this motherfucker outside the Apollo Theater a long time ago. I'd wondered why he'd stopped hanging around Harlem, but I guess this answered my question. I knew the boy was destined for stardom, when he popped off a tune called 'Seagram's Golden Wine Cooler.' Shit, Bruce'd gotten hustled for $250 and a case of Richard's red, yet he started singing as if everything was A-OK. I'd thought that acapella performance had been a gem, but I was more amazed by this. Done up in the same soulful style as 'Seagram's,' but better. Amid the awesome power of the blaring horns and thumping bass, Bruce offered up this rhyme-of-reason to those would-be masochists: 'You cuss around women and you don't even know their name/Then you're dumb enough to think that it makes you the big fucking game.' This song had everything a great soul tune should -- beautiful brass section, fabulous female backup vocals, spectacular swearing, and the word 'ain't.' Can't wait to hear more from this cat! Yo Bruce, S'up man? Can isa borrows $250 from yous? Me parched wif thirst and isa dyin', jack! Please? Puh-leez? You no me ain't tryin' play yoose, cool..." Uh, thank you, Brad CZR.
Contestants not appearing on stage will receive: Not So Hot Pockets. From the makers of the original microwaveable pastry snack. Try our new Lamb and Limburger flavor. Whaddya gonna pick? Not So Hot Pockets. Michael Jordan Styling Mousse And Gel. Proven 23% more effective than Dark And Lovely. Works great on corn rows, too. Free steel-wire brush with every $30 Michael Jordan hair-care purchase.
Join us for another edition of "Rate-A-Record."
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