THE GRATEFUL DEAD II

Back in 1992 or so, when I worked for my second of 3,286 telemarketing firms, I took a liking to a 350-pound woman named Diane. There was something about this lady that separated her from the others at Touch Tone. It wasn't Diane's plus-sized measurements, because such females were common in the phone-sales department. For example, Bonnie was a Navy wife from upstate New York whose husband floated on an inflatable raft in the Mediterranean. Her idea of a perfect date with "one of her six boyfriends" was to stand for six hours in 95-degree heat and watch the jets fly overhead at Oceana Air Station. This white-trash whore should have stayed in her barracks. Shirley was a dark-n-not-so-lovely woman who resembled a mix of Patrick Ewing and Mable King from the TV show "What's Happening!". By bringing her part-time catering business to work, the fellow telemarketers were oft-treated to such delicacies as bloody chicken casserole and sausage 'n' mayonnaise subs. I'd later make a T-shirt as a tribute to her efforts that read, "Shirley's Sausage Subs: They're oniony. They're mayonnaisey. They're Shirleyey!" Ummm...

What made Diane different from those bovine creatures was that she:1)wasn't a military dependent, 2)knew how to use a bar of soap, 3)didn't pretend to know how to cook, 4)let my hands make contact with her breasts, and 5)forced me to eat chocolate pudding off her fingers. I wanted to bed this sweet-smelling piece of womanflesh!

Alas, it was not to be. Diane quit her job and married a bearded man with one eye. Over the years, I had lost touch with the big beauty. Then one day, I was reading a testicle-reattachment story in the newspaper. On the same page flashed a weight-loss testimonial from...DIANE! She had lost 228 pounds and become a counselor at said weight-management center. To celebrate "the new her," Diane and her one-eyed husband went to Hawaii for some fun-in-the-sun. However, the vacation took a slight downturn. As Diane was soaking up some rays (while listening to The Devil Dogs' song "North Shore Bitch" and fancying herself as one), she was skewered by twenty-five boys who had grown tired of using their clubs to crack open coconuts. At first, Diane's husband had been saddened by her death, but it was later explained to him that "Kill Haole Day" is as much a part of the Hawaiian fabric as Don Ho. Haole means "caucasian."

Supposedly, the cremation ceremony was nice, with lovely floral arrangements throughout the hut. When the one-eyed husband returned to Virginia, he traded me his dead wife's ashes for pipe tobacco. Ahoy, mate!