SKYNYRD'S SIGNATURE SONG TO BE RETIRED

Those behemoths of Southern rock, Lynyrd Skynyrd, have made one of the most difficult decisions of their long career.

No, they won't stop writing songs about their fallen angel (Ronnie Van Zant) -- which has been the M.O. for almost 21 years. Also, the practice of providing free Jack Daniel's mini-bottles with any cola purchase at the concession stand will remain part of the Skynyrd tradition.

The verdict reached by all 16 members of the touring entourage should cause screams to be wailed from the Marlboro-stained lungs of the worldwide Skynyrd Frynds organization. After way too many rounds of spin-the-bottle, Lynyrd Skynyrd have decided to never again play "Free Bird" in a public setting for as long as they remain a band.

"It got to the point where I couldn't even go to a fuckin' hardcore show without some snot-nosed kid yelling, 'HEY, PLAY SOME 'FREE BIRD,''" said a dejected Artimus Pyle. "The whole thing just sorta drifted into some goddamn self-parody, and we got tired of hearing and playing the fuckin' thing anyway."

Traditions die hard, though. Most of the people I spoke with said they would not attend a Skynyrd performance without "Free Bird" on the set list.

"Billy Joe Brown, get your filthy ass on over here or you won't be going to Club Lake Ahoy tomorrow," Donna from Cradock said. "I mean, Jesus Christ! Skynyrd without 'Free Bird' would be like The Marshall Tucker Band without 'Heard It In A Love Song,' Molly Hatchet without 'Flirtin' With Disaster,' The Charlie Daniels Band without 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia,' intoned Donna -- who gave about 50 other examples while constantly twirling the loose fibers of her cut-off Wranglers.

When asked if she fancied other Skynyrd songs besides "Free Bird," Donna replied, "Aw, fuck yeah! You know the one that goes, 'Ooh Ooh that smell?' I like to put that on when I'm cleanin' my house. And the one about the three steps is a favorite of one of my boyfriends."

Others were not as conciliatory.

"WHAT THE FUCK? Skynyrd not doin' 'Free Bird?' WHY THE FUCK YOU THINK I GO TO A SKYNYRD SHOW? To hear 'Free Bird,' man. If I want to hear their other crap, I'll go to the fuckin' Midtown Inn and watch the damn Road Ducks do it," offered an extremely pissed-off Earl from Portsmouth. "Ain't gonna catch me at that goddamn blasted amphitheater, you sure got that right," Earl boasted, without realizing his clever turn-of-phrase from a Skynyrd song he hasn't heard.

Despite the cool reaction, Lynyrd Skynyrd will be appearing at the Virginia Beach Amphitheater in late-May. Record crowds (that is, record lows) are expected, but that doesn't prevent veteran member Gary Rossington from being optimistic.

"We played a Jacksonville show date and were quite surprised with the warm reception given to songs like 'Sweet Home Alabama.' This blonde girl in the front had sung every word of that song, so I invited her to join me backstage. I gave her a beer and signed her chest, at which point I asked, "How did you know the words to that song?' And she said, 'I saw 'Forrest Gump' six times with one of my boyfriends.'"

Peter Frampton will open the show at the Virginia Beach Amphitheater.