WHAT'S BEEN COOKIN' SMELLS LIKE SHIT: FOUR REASONS WHY WRESTLING'S BEEN STINKIN' UP THE KITCHEN

1)Steve "Pantera" Austin:
Did you know when Austin first appeared in the National Wrestling Alliance (late-'80s/early-'90s???), he was a "pretty boy," a la Ric Flair or Buddy Landell? He grappled as "Stunning Steve Austin" and held the NWA Television strap on numerous occasions. Austin was strictly mid-card in those days; therefore, not a serious threat to any NWA main draw (Sting, for example). After changing organizations (WWF), cutting his hair, and turning into a "Hell yeah!" Texas bad-ass, Austin became a household name. You youngins should know that Mr. Stone Cold hasn't always opened a can of Whoop Ass, hasn't always drunk beer in the ring, hasn't always played the role of a redneck, and hasn't always had a bottom line. He was Poison before becoming Pantera (Actually, so were Pantera themselves). If Austin's the epitome of an American male who eats chicken wings at Hooters and tries to impress his waitress, then call me a sissy boy who drinks milk and shows my mom an "A" history paper. Odds he's never heard of the Big Boys and/or can't name more than five ZZ Top songs: 3:16.

2)"The Rock":
Former teammate of Ray "I Didn't Get Invited To Disneyland" Lewis' at the University of Miami. Like Lewis, he attempted to make the "killer" money in the NFL, but didn't have da mad skillz for da proz. Joined the WWF and was, like Austin in the NWA, a mid-carder at first. Given a new persona and several ridiculous catchphrases ("Know your role, Jabroni!", "Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?"...), "The Rock" soon acquired legions of moronic followers. Used his "platform" to encourage people to vote Republican in '00. Now possesses, like Cindy Crawford before him, a Screen Actor's Guild card. Other names he answers to include "The People's Champion" and "The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment." But, unless you're his momma, don't dare call him "Dwayne."

3)"Chyna":
Once the silent, are-you-a-boy-or-are-you-a-girl type who scrapped in the square circle with the fellas, she now mainly talks, does commercials for health clubs, appears in non-wrestling mags, and gives overall friendly interviews. Appeals to guys who "squirt off" to female bodybuilders in "Muscle And Fitness." Does not like to get dirty in real life. Too bad, cause I'd love to see "Chyna" entangled with that "Human Burrito" lady who was on "Jerry Springer." Ay caramba!

4)Vince McMahon:
The man who created Hulk Hogan. The man who admitted wrasslin' ain't real. The man who devalued tag teams (a focal point in the '80s NWA). The man who emphasized business over body slams. The man who now owns WWF, WCW, ECW, NHL, NBA, NEA, and 206 other alphabet-wrestling soups. In short, McMahon's the main reason why the WWF stands for WHY WRESTLING'S FUCKED!