THE BITCH

One of the most eccentric pianists to grace the pop charts since Mozart, The Bitch has won many admirers during her long career, with an inimitable brand of contemporary piano-punk. With a closely cropped butch haircut, glasses that cost more than an actual pair of eyes, Tweedy-Bird yellow suits, and eleven-foot-tall platform stilts, The Bitch has maintained her true D.I.Y. spirit over the course of 155 albums.

Born with just the name The, Bitch was later added after her mother's second marriage. The stepfather had spent time in jail, hence the moniker. Being called simply "The" all of her six-year-old life, she had trouble adjusting to the Bitch appendix at first. In third grade, however, The saw Little Richard play with his ding-a-ling, as well as a percussion instrument commonly known as a piano. The Bitch soon became fascinated with both and received two special gifts one snowy Christmas morn. One was a Giant Monster Cock that would remain nestled between her sticky alabaster thighs, until her sister misplaced it during a scholastic show-and-tell. The other was an Amway (before they stopped making musical instruments) baby grand. With the toy cock missing, The Bitch spent nearly all of her waking hours learning cherished classics such as "Ba Ba Black Sheep," "Georgie Porgie Pudding Pie," and "Tutti Fruitti." By the time she was 13, The Bitch knew how to play every song that had ever been recorded, with her delicate tickling of the ivories. The problem was when The Bitch tried to write lyrics for her own growing body of musical compositions, not a single word was put to paper.

Enter Bernie, who was named by parents who couldn't decide which "Sesame Street" character they liked best. The Bitch didn't follow the antics of Big Bird and company, thus she'd never learn how to read and write. With Bernie in tow from this point forward as The Bitch's permanent songwriter, however, her illiteracy was a minor concern. The Bitch/Bernie partnership had some early successes in winning piano competitions all over England. Word of her ability reached American shores via publications like Rolling Stone, Playgirl, etc. In 1974, The Bitch accepted an invitation to appear on "The Gong Show," a popular variety television program. Amongst the standard jugglers and bad ventriloquists was an exceptionally talented black fellow named Stevland Morris, who would later be known as Stevie Wonder. The wannabe circus performers and Howdy Doodys were quickly dismissed, and the two gifted pianists earned their places in the final. The heightened tension rivaled that of a prime Bobby Fisher/Boris Spassky chess match. Though neither competitor had actually heard the thud of the gong, Stevland was declared the winner, due to an obscure "criteria #6 tiebreaker" (which is a fancy way of saying Stevland won due to his blindness). The Bitch suffered her first (and what would prove to be her last) loss in head-to-head piano dueling. She avoided "criteria #6" for good, by wearing exotic eyewear with extremely dark lenses that intentionally dimmed her vision. Soon, Stevland and other would-be-heirs to The Bitch's throne vanished. The Bitch/Bernie duo immediately began working on their first of what would be 460 Top-Ten recordings.

Although it would take many more pages to describe all of them, several songs do stand out from the bunch. "Bennie And The Jets" discusses The Bitch manager's love affair with the pantyhose-wearing, pre-Flex All using, New York Jets quarterback Joe Namath. Despite her misspelling and mispronunciation of Bernie's name, it remains a true Bitch classic. "Rocket Man" examines the pitfalls of Virginia Cavalier star/Houston Rockets bust Ralph Sampson. "And I think it's gonna be a long, long time..." It was -- Houston finally won an NBA title in the '93-94 season. "Nikita" is a touching look at The Bitch's own want of National Wrestling Alliance superstar Nikita Koloff. "Nikita, I need you so/Nikita, you'll never know." Koloff didn't know, because his English was limited to "OH, MAGNUM T.A., YOU GO...DOWN!" "I'm Still Standing" is perhaps The Bitch's most-bizarre number, since she has neither played a concert nor been photographed standing up. This is all the more odd, considering The Bitch always wears her eleven-foot tall stilts on stage. "I'm still standing?" No. No. No. "I'm still sitting?" Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.