FOCKS VS. COCKS

Now that one of the most unpredictable NFL campaigns in recent memory has come to a close, the need for rabbit-ear antennas is about as necessary as another season of "Beverly Hills 90210 -- The ITT Tech Years."

In case you've just now resurfaced from an underground bunker, here's the scoop. Since January 1st, FOX 43's programming has been unavailable on the Cox Cable System. The network affiliate had sought a lower-numeric position to gain increased ratings from channel surfers, you know, the kind of people who can't even program their VCRs. Cox Communications held their ground, citing neither room nor desire to move existing channels in order to satisfy FOX 43. Because Cox needs permission from the individual stations (like 43) to carry programming, Calista Flockhart has looked slimmer than usual to local TV mavens these days.

Of course, the real losers in this FOX/Cox fracas have been viewers of shows like "Ally McBeal," "Greed," "Party Of Five," etc. Though some would consider these people "losers," dispute or not, it has been their choice to fill trash-compacted minds with such unintelligent garbage. Until this matter is resolved, FOX fans will have to indulge themselves in secondary entertainment such as reading books, cleaning bathrooms, and talking to their children.

Personally, I wish FOX 43 would return to WTVZ-33 and reclaim their 1980s glory with syndicated classics like "Carter Country," "Three's Company," "B.J. And The Bear," "Bosom Buddies," among others. Such fare challenged your intellect and tickled your funny bone. This would, in FOX's words, "enable them to better serve the community."

UPDATE: On Feb 4, 2000, Cox Communications and FOX 43 reached an agreement that returned FOX's programming to its original spot on the dial. Roughly a month later, Cox switched FOX's channel position with Animal Planet's (14). FOX got their wish, but adverts for "FOX 43" still run seven months after the change- over. Where's Al Bundy to explain the ass-backwardness of this situation?