1)AC/DC -- Schoolboy-attired guitarist Angus Young owns the largest tulip farm in Holland. He once made a comment that Americans pay too much attention to who's running for president. Did a video with Arnold Schwarznegger (a friend of ex-President George Bush and his sequel). Brother and rhythm axe-grinder Malcolm just might be the vice president of Rock 'N' Roll, though he's not nearly as anonymous as Dick Whatshisname. Angus does not drink or use drugs but fancies a fag (read: cancer stick) here and there. Band named as such, thanks to a vacuum cleaner.2)Ratt -- Made themselves known to the world with mega-hit "Round And Round," which is one of the greatest songs ever recorded. Amazingly, a deeper album track ("The Morning After" -- with its sustained hooks and pop sensibilities) forever charted a Numero Uno position as BEST HAIR-METAL TRACK EVER, topping even the aforementioned, more-successful majesty. Frontman Stephen Pearcy may or may not be the nephew of Milton Berle. No longer with the group, Pearcy released a solo album in 2000 on Triple XXX Records, thus answering the "What's the common thread between Ratt and Jeff Dahl?" question.
3)Kix -- To me, these Maryland rockers had so many other elements besides an AC/DC fixation. While that influence was undeniable, there also existed a Def Leppard-sheen on certain songs (especially come chorus time). First three albums (s/t, Cool Kids, and Midnite Dynamite) represented "the old Kix." AC/DC influx? Sure, but with poppier intrusions like Lep, Cheap Trick, and a touch of Hanoi Rocks. Two ballads from this era ("For Shame" and "Walkin' Away" [their most Robin Zander-ful composition]) walked all over the later "Don't Close Your Eyes" moneymaker (still like that one, though). Listen to "Loco Emotion" and "Body Talk" (one of the greatest techno hair-metal songs EVER!!!) for a quirkier NWOAHM (New Wave Of American Heavy Metal) experience. Kix -- Mark II began with Blow My Fuse. Classics like "She Dropped Me The Bomb," "Get It While It's Hot," and "Red Light Green Light TNT" fused (!) together in an AccaDaccaDefLep bundle of energy. Follow-up LP Hot Wire had more Bon Scott and less Joe Elliott, but "Girl Money," "Same Jane," and the title track shocked like Kix's very best. Their final offering was Show Business. Since most grits by 1995 had gone "grunge" long before that year, it was largely ignored. A shame, for Show Business had the pick-out-the-AC/DC-song-this-riff-was-stolen-from appeal (i.e., "Fireball" = "Highway To Hell") AND the pop stylings of Kix's early-to-mid-80's output ("She Loves Me Not"). I've ranked two acts higher, but if you were to ask me, "What one band on your list should I seek out immediately?", Kix would be your next bowl of cereal.
4)Van Halen -- Friends of his went out on dates most Friday nights, but Edward Van Halen didn't get off on that macho shit and learned to play guitar. Valerie Bertinelli would later (wedding) date Eddie, thereby guaranteeing at least one face-to-face with raven-haired sexpot Bonnie Franklin (his bride's "One Day At A Time" co-star). Band made six albums, before the termination or resignation of singer dude Dave. Replaced him with singer dude Sammy. Know that comic strip Hagar The Horrible? Well, at least 5150 had a few good panels.
5)Motorhead -- While in Norfolk, VA last year, singer/bass murderer Ian "Lemmy" Kilminster played a tear-jerking interpretation of Phil Collins' "Against All Odds" on the piano in the Madison Hotel lobby (according to a paid informant from Ocean View disguised as a bellhop). Has a massive collection of World War II memorabilia and a predilection for Jamaican women. If you see Lemmy perched at a Ms. Pac-Man tabletop in L.A., leave him alone, for completion of the fifth-banana board requires an evil eye and a devil's grip.
6)Aerosmith -- "Saturday Night Live" did a faux-commercial for these Beantowners' new LP at the time ('93-94). Included were hits like "Crazy," "Cryin'," "Amazing," and "Crazy Cryin' Amazacrazy." Band members have been Jimmy Crespo, Rick Dufay, among others. Actress Liv Tyler is the offspring of Aerosmith's singer and a groupie.
7)Rose Tattoo -- Main ink-gunner Angry Anderson is a walking 2-for-1 flash design of "short rock 'n' roller from Australia" like Angus Young, and "bald guy fronting a heavy-metal band" like Rob Halford. Most well-known song ("Nice Boys Don't Play Rock 'N' Roll") has been tried by Guns 'N' Roses (now calling themselves Rose 'N' Weeds) and Nashville Pussy (once pals with Howard Stern, now begging for DANIEL Stern's attention). Anderson once said "Hello" to Mel Gibson and Tina Turner (on the same day, even!).
8)Black Sabbath -- The Six-Hundred Sixty-Six Dollar Question: Besides all of them being songs, what characteristic do Sabbath's "Children Of The Grave," Blondie's "Call Me," and The Call's "Let The Day Begin" all share? Better than Led Zeppelin. No, that's not the answer. Yet, it could be.
9)Motley Crue -- Yo Tommy, hows do it feels to have sum ho bitch doin' ya job yo? Makes ya wanna beat her all crazy and shit, don't it yo? Peep this, you be comin' correct wif ya beats in the M.O.M. in the Y2K. Straight out wack crazy shit yo. It be tight like ya ride yo. Straight up G's yo.
10)Def Leppard -- "Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on. Livin' like a lover with a radar phone. Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp. Demolition woman, can I be your man? Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light. Television lover, baby, go all night. Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet. Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah."
11)KISS -- "Whoow! Here's a little song for everybody out there. People try to take my soul away, but I don't hear the (c)rap that they all say...If life is a radio, turn up to ten...Nobody's gonna change me, 'cos THAT'S-WHO-I-AM...Uh." Filled with phony melodrama and shit-for-brains lyrics, "Crazy Nights" has to be one of the worst songs ever written. Of course, I like it.
12)Judas Priest -- One measuring stick for a great heavy metal band is if the listener attempts suicide after hearing its records. No self-inflicted gunshot wounds have been linked to Fight or Two, as of 5/12/01. Drummer (since '90) Scott Travis is from Virginia Beach, which makes the Priest "local" by the pens of "respectable" music scribes.
13)Guns 'N' Roses -- Most punk-literate group on the list. The Spaghetti Incident? had the Gunners hitting targets from The Damned, U.K. Subs, Misfits, Dead Boys, and more. Lest you doubted their metalness, G 'N' R were still hesher enough to groom Nazareth's "Hair Of The Dog." Not really looking forward to their return, Replacement Bucketheads and all.
14)Twisted Sister -- My father told me in 1984 that he's a distant cousin (so-many-numbers removed) of the drummer. I believed him, because they are both from Long Island and share a love of air conditioning. Read about it in "Circus." That is, the drummer's love of air conditioning (not my father's).
15)Poison -- Why can't At The Drive-In just cop to the fact they took their band name from "Talk Dirty To Me?" No, they've gotta claim Bad Brains (so why ain't their handle At The Movies?), in order to align themselves with the "old school" (not being taught at Target, the last time I checked) or some stupid shit. ATD-I are the kind of "punk" outfit who'll wear Motorhead T-shirts and think they're being ironic.
16)Enuff Z'Nuff -- Barely qualified under my self-imposed "metal" definition, due to a smothering Beatles/Cheap Trick blanket draped throughout their presentation. However, there was just the right amount of tease 'n' sleaze and licks 'n' tricks necessary for inclusion. Scored the Japanese version (with slipcase and illustrated lyric book!) of Animals With Human Intelligence (quickly becoming one of my faves) for $1.00 at a thrift store. The 'Nuff should climb up the list with further acquisitions. Hell, they were almost placed ahead of G 'N' R, on the strength of Animals... alone.
17)Slayer -- "Bones and blood lie on the ground. Rotten limbs lie dead. Decapitated bodies found. On my wall: your head!" Released a punk-covers EP in '96 called The Meatball Occurrence. TSOL, Minor Threat, etc. were put through the grinder. The kinda meat I'm not looking for, even if you want me to eat.
18)Sea Hags -- One band. One album. One overdose. My ex-best friend had the Hags on tape in 1989. Then he went off to college, got rid of his heavy-metal collection, joined a fraternity, and started going to Dave Matthews Band shows ("before they were signed..."). That guy still gives me an occasional once-every-two-years phone call. In 1999, he and I were supposed to get together for a round of disc golf (the only remotely hippie activity I would ever engage in). Anyways, street-metal that's more revealing than any ten G 'N' R lie-detector tests.
19)Thin Lizzy -- New album out in 2000, even though the irreplaceable Phil Lynott has been gone since 1986. Surprisingly, One Night Only is a great-sounding live document, showcasing the tricks of a couple Lizzy guitar magicians. Vocals are sometimes eerily similar to Lynott's in spots. A tasteful tribute. But don't pay your respects, until you've made at least a Dedication first.
20)Pantera -- Question posed to Vinnie Paul: "I recently was in a music store and picked up Pantera's Power Metal album. What do you think about when you see those old albums?" Said Paul: "That's where I was at that point in time. In the '80s, that's what people did. We were very young and green growing up, and in the discovery stage of who we were as a band. I look back at them and snicker like everyone else, but when you put them on and listen to them, they are damn good records." (From a magazine I found in the trash, with its cover ripped off)
21)Ozzy Osbourne -- Bit the head off a Nutty Buddy ice cream cone (1982). Pissed in an Alamo Rent-A-Car toilet (1985). Snorted a trail of nasal sprays (1988). Released "Perry Mason" as a single (1995).
22)Helmet -- Art-metal? Wore the hats of Killing Joke ("Primitive") and Black Sabbath ("Symptom Of The Universe"). There's your art, there's your metal.
23)Faster Pussycat -- Carly Simon ("You're So Vain") was married to Woody Harrelson for one week. Remember Rikki Rachtman? R.I.P., WCW.
24)Monster Magnet -- Possibly from New Jersey.
25)Scorpions -- Berlin Wall up: Love at first sting. Berlin Wall down: Their winds of change blew cold. Klaus Meine was recently spotted re-laying bricks at the old East/West divisory. Expect the Scorps' 2003 album to be one of their best.
No comments:
Post a Comment