Shifty @ The Taphouse Grill, Norfolk, VA (6/29/02)

Feeling thirsty and miserable (not to mention hungry like an animal from a Duran Duran song), my designated driver/good friend jOhn A. and I took full advantage of this establishment's name as we tapped a table hours before showtime for burgers and brew. My half-pounder was cooked well-done with cheddar, while Mister A's contained more pink than a "Where The Boys Aren't" video. The drawn Sierra Nevada Pale Ale tasted refreshing to my palate. Though jOhn'd had a hard day at the biblioteca, he made his beverage a Mike's Soft Lemonade (water mixed with squeezed juice). Since I'm not nearly the lush I had been circa Nine-Tee-Six at Root-For-Tee-Four, jOhn's non-alkie concoction also became mine for the evening's duration.

Some excellent pre-set jams (Jim Carroll, Pretenders, Jackyl, Stones, Mavericks) whetted the appetites of those starvin' for RnR (read: Rock 'n' Roll). However, one person didn't have the "stomach" for loud music. Covering her ear holes with toilet tissue and making freaky hand gestures at passers-by (as if to say, "I...CAN'T...HEAR...MYSELF...THINK!"), this momma type was obviously looking to RnR (read: Rest 'n' Relax) at the Naphouse. Another attendee came across to jOhn and me as an industrial arts teacher, with his funky red pants, patterned shirt, eyeglasses, and '50s hairdo. He would later prove himself to be consciously hip like a member of They Might Be Giants. The giveaways: 1)His shoes were too much from a modern time period and 2)He was very sociable.

Shifting out of idle gear, the band wasted no time with a pedal-to-the-metal greeting of Cheap Trick's "Hello There." Shifty were ready to rock, even if the Charmin lady was not. Their loud 'n' twangy rawk bled through the raised speaker system, cutting deep like the post-Replacements one-off blades Bash & Pop and Perfect. Fast cars and women mean lots to Shifty (made abundantly clear by their desire for doin' it doggy-style in order to watch NASCAR and an ode to Sheriff Roscoe -- complete with actual "Dukes of Hazzard" TV snippets..."Uh Guh Guh!"), as the band revved El General Lee full throttle with Daisy in tow. Montrose's "Bad Motor Scooter" was another borrowed mode of transportation given a good ride. "Route 66" is quite a long way from Chickasaw County, and Shifty rolled down that scenic stretch with the omniscience of a trucker tryin' to accrue miles by taking long outta-the-way laps (St. Louis to Hazzard via Nawfuck). The band was thanked for their horror business at the Misfits' "London Dungeon" and reminded by the walking-corpse gatekeeper Jerry Only that Jersey is a no-left-turn state. Ain't no mystery in regards to pumping your own gas -- a crime punishable by eternal misery in Hell (AKA -- one night in the Camden, En Jay city jail). Not to worry, Shifty's faces were kept clean and their hands free of Amoco Ultimate droplets. Cleanliness is just as important in the underworld; can't have no dirty dead.