MILK DUDS

Two youth basketball coaches, whose odd motivational techniques had drawn the ire of many a parent, fouled out in the game of life last Thursday.

Tommy Thomerson and Jason Shanabarber, both of Portsmouth, won six consecutive Hampton Roads Day Care (HRDC) league championships for Kinder-Care between 1994-99.

Although their success had garnered them much respect in the coaching fraternity, Thomerson and Shanabarber's "Win whatever it takes" philosophy permanently sent the pair to the showers.

During the '00 playoff-stretch run, an opponent, Kimbi's Playworld of Virginia Beach, presented evidence that two players on Kinder-Care's roster lived out of district. Starting center Isabelle Andrews (23 months) and power-forward Nolan McCarthy (19 months), also from the Beach, had been originally slated to attend Kimbi's on a partial scholarship.

Thomerson and Shanabarber, needing help in the front court, made a counteroffer that the much-sought-after recruits could not refuse. Among the perks of the substantial package deal were free child care, compensated Gerber photo-ops, and unlimited vouchers for 144-count boxes of Kirkland Signature diapers.

Prior to the Kinder-Care vs. Kimbi's contest, the Andrews/McCarthy-led squad had made milquetoast of the competition, outscoring their foes by a combined 827-14 margin.

HRDC commissioner Phyllis Tucker, concurring with the findings, ordered Kinder-Care to forfeit 15 games in which Andrews/McCarthy had participated and levied fines toward Thomerson/Shanabarber for violating the Diaper Act.

Unhappy with the ruling, Kinder-Care's men-in-charge plotted to exact revenge upon Kimbi's. Frantically pacing the sidelines dressed in giant milk cartons and nothing more, Thomerson/Shanabarber screamed back-and-forth tirades at Kimbi's starting five. Heard through the stream of profanities were words of discouragement such as, "YOU KNOW WHY YOU DON'T GOT GAME? CAUSE YOU DON'T GOT MILK!" and "WHOA! THE BASKET'S THAT WAY, CHIEF!" This Bob Knight-esque couplet earned the coaches a technical foul. Thomerson/Shanabarber, incessantly grabbing their throats and crotches in hopes of trying to alter Kimbi's offensive set, drew a second technical and an automatic ejection. Kinder-Care's coaches, on the short end of a 72-25 sticking, left Kimbi's Arena with a parting comment of, "HEY, WHEN YOU GUYS ARE DONE DENYING YOUR LITTLE BEVERAGE PROBLEM, WE'LL BE IN THE FRIDGE!"

Several hours later, Thomerson/Shanabarber were found crushed in a blue SPSA can on the 400 block of Quantico Street in Portsmouth. Because the container was deemed safe for recyclable items, no charges were filed.