ALL MIXED UP

The key to making a good mixed tape is to avoid letting your sources seem too obvious.

Don't put "Southern Girls" before or directly after "All Kindsa Girls," because the last thing you need is an object of your affection to dismissively state, "Oh, I see someone's been listening to their American Power Pop comps."

Never include a song that would suggest you're an Urge Overkill fan who hates Neil Diamond, a Neil Diamond fan who hates Urge Overkill, or an Urge Overkill fan who also loves Neil Diamond (sign of an OED [Overly Eclectic Disorder] sufferer). "Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon" also breaks the Never-Include-A-Song-From-An-Original-Motion-Picture-Soundtrack rule. This also disqualifies "Valley Girl" on both counts -- which is further DQed for being a Frank Zappa composition (say to yourself, "If she thinks I'm down with OED, then she don't know me").

Don't break up two songs that filter into one just to satisfy your mix ("Demolition Girl" would forever be lonely without "Nights In Venice").

Silly songs are OK (one or two at the most), as long as they're not of "Hey There, Georgie Girl" or "Ballerina Girl" (Kenny Rogers and Lionel Richie...are they the same person?) lineage.

No Motown-type junk like "My Girl" (see, Soundtracks).

Save your homemade acoustic songs like "Archer Girl" (written for my sister by her then-boyfriend Pete) for another time and place.

Never include two songs by the same artist (excepting the aforementioned 2-into-1 filters) or band variations of an artist ("American Girl" or "Here Comes My Girl" -- pick one; "Bad girl" [as one Circuit City counter-person termed her] Joan Jett and the Blackhearts or The Runaways -- pick one).

Resist the urge to tear a page from your favorite band's catalog. Her ears are bent from you constantly hailing it as "The Most Creative Force In Music History," so let the "Girl Who Lives On Heaven Hill" be your own private affair.

Following these guidelines, your soon-to-be sweetie pie will be delighted with the tape, which she'll use later that night to...record "The Top 9 @ 9 on Z-104."

Happy dubbing!